the nights are the worst. there is only silence. previously i pace up and down the house regretting what i've done. now i cook corn soup at night (going to start with other shit) and make cards to send out. my previous cards were shit and i threw them away. going to restart soon with the new supplies i got.
sleeping is not any better. i go to sleep and have dreams of our life together. i smile at your face, and how you would playfully disturb me or tickle me. i wake up smiling, and that smile instantly droops to horror as reality hit me again and again and again. my lies, my manipulations. my cheating. again. for god's sake elias you've done it once and you are idiotic to do it AGAIN. you deserve to die.
im determined to do things differently this time. the silence is good in a sense that i get to refocus and meditate, if you will. none of my family has talked to me since i confided in my parents. my dad kept quiet and my mum hugged me until i cried to sleep. the pain is unbearable, and i cannot imagine what it must be like for you.
in any case.. i am determined to change. i will not let my past determine my future. what matters now is what i do from now on. i will serve my sentence in this prison. i will let it focus me to love you proper again. i will do everything it takes to help you heal and move on. all your questions, i will answer. all your anger lashed at me, i will take it. all your pain, i will feel it.
i will always love you, even if you choose to leave me. even if we stopped being friends. i will always, always, love you, from afar. maybe one day i will see you get married with another. your soulmate maybe. i will be so happy for you. and i will be happy that once upon a time, i received your full unconditional love.
love is patient, love is kind.
it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
it does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs.
love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8.
sleeping is not any better. i go to sleep and have dreams of our life together. i smile at your face, and how you would playfully disturb me or tickle me. i wake up smiling, and that smile instantly droops to horror as reality hit me again and again and again. my lies, my manipulations. my cheating. again. for god's sake elias you've done it once and you are idiotic to do it AGAIN. you deserve to die.
im determined to do things differently this time. the silence is good in a sense that i get to refocus and meditate, if you will. none of my family has talked to me since i confided in my parents. my dad kept quiet and my mum hugged me until i cried to sleep. the pain is unbearable, and i cannot imagine what it must be like for you.
in any case.. i am determined to change. i will not let my past determine my future. what matters now is what i do from now on. i will serve my sentence in this prison. i will let it focus me to love you proper again. i will do everything it takes to help you heal and move on. all your questions, i will answer. all your anger lashed at me, i will take it. all your pain, i will feel it.
i will always love you, even if you choose to leave me. even if we stopped being friends. i will always, always, love you, from afar. maybe one day i will see you get married with another. your soulmate maybe. i will be so happy for you. and i will be happy that once upon a time, i received your full unconditional love.
love is patient, love is kind.
it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
it does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs.
love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8.
