Up is down.

2012-03-01T03:03:00.002+08:00

how do we define musicality?

2012-02-05T02:46:00.002+08:00

Captain Obvious flies by
his sax singing the blues
"its the friend zoned guy!" he declared,
"my work here is done."

tomorrow will be a better day. and the next. and the next.

2012-01-12T22:20:00.002+08:00

just ended a hectic 9 day week with a fever and flu. happy new year! hahaha. and anyway the countdown begins. 4 more months. i'll be the best. >:D

2012 will be a good year. only if you believe it to be.

2011-12-17T21:01:00.003+08:00

i've actually been delaying this because i don't really know what to write. anyway here it is. end of year post (:

there are a couple of people i would like to thank for making this year an excellent one. in chronological order, kahwee and caleena for your unwavering presence with me during our time in mbs (you'll never see this though hahaha), my Section 1 buddies jonathan loh, jansen, kaiwei, jerald chong, kaisiang, clive aw, jeremy chia, engsheng, jerald tan, jerome tan for the 2 months of bullshit we went through hahaha. and of course, Platoon 1 mates, more significantly william, weijian, edric, presley, nigelwong, suanhin, nic ko, nic tye, nic wong, and the Platoon 1 commanders jeremy ang, shuyan, sinde, zigui, ridhuan and edwin teng for the shit you gave us hahaha. and the legendary leonard kong. the most stupid person i've seen. seriously.

and then came Training Wing and Band B, Central Band. lionel, brent, clarence, amos, boonkai, gabriel seah, alvin, nazreen, leonard chen, lewis lim, junrong, and joseph angwk for the parenting lessons that you have given me, how not to raise my son in the future lest he turns up like you. heh. and of course who can forget samuel cheah, the asshole and one of the best saxophonist i met and respect. Band B includes fellow Batch 88ers liangjun, jon foo, aaron teo, zhensheng, darryn, and my usual gang russell, jeremy chua, amos tan, the occasional gabriel song, shamin, ray, sheldon, amir. Central Band includes the usual future dom ignatius wang (haha), vignesh, andre, nizam, yixiang, keith, david. the most amazing bunch of musicians i've ever met and played with. thank you for the music (:

and then there's the omnipresence of 0901 dudes, cheungweng, lewis, hongwei, xintao, junyan. and who can forget the regular prata meetups of preshigh people, jacob alvarez and david wong, and the occasional soccer meetups of the Express cohort of 2008. you people make up the core of my sanity, and i thank you all for that (:

i've learnt a hell lot from this year. mbs, A'level results, enlistment, Mohawk Platoon 1, SAF Band. the only significant thing next year for now would be my exam. getting a little stressed haha..

SWS and CNL this year were excellent, Satoshi Yagisawa and Toru Miura were amazing, amazing people. this year's Cantata is in a few days time, no doubt it'll be an experience!

2011 is ending. hopefully 2012 will be equally fruitful (:

just two more projects to go this year. Christmas Cantata and SAF Band Charity Concert!

2011-12-01T23:09:00.000+08:00

1st December!

2011-11-17T19:33:00.000+08:00

my right fingers are retaaaaard

2011-11-13T23:43:00.000+08:00

lost my control omg sound like shit

2011-11-12T03:24:00.001+08:00

something from the long lost antiquity resurfaced

window's closed, though.

2011-11-09T21:10:00.002+08:00

things are getting odd around work..

i dont know what to say.

2011-11-05T18:13:00.002+08:00

people do tell you not to regret if you have missed some opportunities in the past, but to seize them once they arise in the future. thing is, how do you recognize one until after it's gone?

2011-11-03T20:06:00.000+08:00

whats wrong with the world lol

2011-10-27T21:24:00.001+08:00

fwah sound like shit

2011-10-26T00:25:00.002+08:00

so glad for my group(s) of friends. they are the ones who keep your sanity when it's on the verge of escaping you.

2011-10-21T14:33:00.000+08:00

the thing in your eye. what is it called?

2011-10-16T22:54:00.000+08:00

wow.

2011-10-02T23:57:00.000+08:00

first of the many parades.

time to tackle that repertoire.

2011-09-25T03:30:00.000+08:00

so now what happens?

2011-09-24T14:59:00.000+08:00

learning never stops

2011-09-18T17:05:00.001+08:00

don't we all hope to be more mature in our approach towards life.

2011-09-14T22:29:00.002+08:00

Band B.

following in the footsteps of some very legendary players, and of course playing with some of them even now!

life's pretty good right now, not much worries, not much problems. only issue i have is lack of sleep hahaha blahblahblah

2011-09-02T00:03:00.002+08:00

Day 30:
Your favorite song.

never really did consider. i like a lot of good songs, but there was never a clear favorite.

so how do we define favorite. a song that you'll never get bored of, a song that you'll always revisit when you get bored, the song that has the highest hits in your ipod, the song of which the lyrics are forever engraved into your head, the song that is the most meaningful to you.

if so, my favorite song would be..

Wine Red - The Hush Sound

Who shot that arrow in your throat?
Who missed the crimson apple?
It hung heavy on the tree above your head

This chaos, this calamity, this garden once was perfect
Give your immortality to me; I'll set you up against the stars

Gloria,
We lied, we can't go on
This is the time and this is the place to be alive

Who shot that arrow in your throat?
Who missed the crimson apple?
And there is discord in the garden tonight

The sea is wine red
This is the death of beauty
The doves have died
The lovers have lied

I cut the arrow from your neck
Stretched you beneath the tree
Among the roots and baby's breath
I covered us with silver leaves

Gloria,
We lied, we can't go on
This is the time and this is the place to be alive

The sea is wine red
This is the death of beauty
The doves have died
The lovers have lied

The sea is wine red
This is the death of beauty
The doves have died
The lovers have lied

The sea is wine red (Gloria, we lied)
This is the death of beauty (we lied, this is the time and place)
The doves have died (Gloria, we lied)
The lovers have lied (this is the time and place)

thus ends the thirty days. a rather uneventful thirty days i must say. haha! this blog will not as be as happening from now on i guess LOL. done a lot this past month though. planned a lot, thought a lot, practiced a lot, learnt a lot. hopefully september and the remaining months of the year will be as fruitful!

Ba de ya, say do you remember
Ba de ya, dancing in september
Ba de ya, never was a cloudy day!

2011-08-31T20:01:00.002+08:00

Day 29:
In this past month, what have you learned

yesterday was hari raya thus missed a day! september lo tomorrow. so fast.

anyway the past month, what i have learnt. music wise i've learnt a hell lot.

i've also learnt a further degree of self-control. which is quite cool because in retrospect, its quite fascinating.

more tellingly, i've learnt to look at things from even more perspectives. from the serious to the comical. and when you look at certain situations, you'll find that its just pathetic, and you chuckle it off.

2011-08-29T13:39:00.005+08:00

Day 28:
A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

2010, with clara and liyao haha!

2 months ago, SMART recital @ esplanade, with ignatius. my hair is now significantly longer than this..

one, is obviously the hair. thats all i can think of anyway.

2011-08-28T12:58:00.001+08:00

Day 27:
Why are you doing this 30 day challenge

because i have absolutely nothing to do!

2011-08-27T15:53:00.002+08:00

Day 26:
What attracts you to someone

haha, superficially it would be the body, should be decent. im okay with the face, as long as it does not look like an ogre. but as you get to know someone..

i guess the person would be sweet and innocent. not to the extent of naivety! we should be able to relate well, should be able to talk about countless of random things, able to talk even when we're tired, able to smile even when we're moody. she would be strong-willed, independent, equally quick-witted, musically inclined.

maybe she won't cry easily, and will give a silent deathstare if she's angry LOL. her smile may be radiant, her actions, small and calculated.

after past experiences, this is roughly what i know attracts me! of course there may be anomalies..

i have a friend who told me that his girlfriend shouldn't be smarter than him, because smart girls think too much. haha, i beg to differ. i don't like to be the dominating one, and if the person is too soft and very dependent, i would have no choice but to lead, and that would result in unhappiness. my partner and i should be equals.

and if looking towards the future, i can't be the sole breadwinner man. that'd suck. we need to do this together.

haha so there you are, perfect girl. will i find her? not likely. but i know for sure what i want, and if you fall when you aim for the stars, you'll land on the clouds.

of course, we shouldn't deliberate look for girls. hahaha, when the time is right, someone will strut along and give you a tight slap and declare "im here you noobshit" heh

busy month ahead. Puasa, deployments, Satoshi. coming up, Japanese Girls' School (hehehehe), under the stars, Cantata, exam, and voila! 2012!

2011-08-26T19:44:00.002+08:00

Day 25:
What I would find in your bag

military musician's bag: solo scores, studies, theory books, reeds, mouthpieces, neckstrap, admin shirt, pencilcase

student's bag: bio notes, chem notes, math notes, pencilcase, yeah thats it (there's hardly econs notes because LOL ya)

long weekend babeh

2011-08-26T00:04:00.002+08:00

Day 24:
A letter to your parents

mum: you're just wonderful. nothing much to be said. love you.

dad: you're excellent, but i just hope you can be less selfish and more thoughtful. and knowing full well how im a carbon copy of you, you should learn to handle and guide me better, character and aesthetics wise, especially music.

tired sia

2011-08-24T18:22:00.001+08:00

Day 23- Something you crave for a lot

rich, sonorous, deep, mellow, velvety, sweet, cantabile

perfection. (:

2011-08-23T14:15:00.002+08:00

Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else

i rarely care about other people's business HAHA. couldn't be bothered. logic is, if you can't take care of your own problems, what for attempt to intervene in other's.

if they approach me for help, i'll give advice, but i won't actively help them. because you must be able to solve your own problems, and not rely on others to solve it for you.

the only time i'd care about people's problem is if they are part of my close circle of friends or its my girlfriend we're talking about. otherwise you're on your own!

im really talking crap. i dont even know what im talking about. fever fries your brain

2011-08-22T19:01:00.003+08:00

Day 21:
A picture of something that makes you happy

heheheheheHEHEHEHEHEHEHhehehehehehHEHEHEHEHhehehehehehehHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE

Dark Magician Girl!

2011-08-21T01:36:00.002+08:00

Day 20:
Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

hard to say leh. but i do know the qualities im looking for. the only problem is, whether the girl with the qualities im looking for, sees the qualities she's looking for in me!

meanwhile my plan is to go to the States enroll in Brown University and bump into Emma Watson befriend her be best friends be my girlfriend then eventually my wife HAHAHA

2011-08-20T16:12:00.002+08:00

Day 19:
Nicknames you have; why do you have them

1.ben, short form for benyamin. people call me ben throughout primary school. primary school friends and my family still call me ben, and find it weird when people call me elias haha!

2. eli, short for elias (obviously). 2 humility boys, haha idiots. "hey E-LI"

3. nowadays more than half of my friends call me arun HAHA. no idea why.

4. "slut", for obvious reasons. heh

boring, boring, saturday afternoon.

2011-08-19T19:38:00.002+08:00

Day 18:
Plans/dreams/goals you have

in order from the immediate future to the distant!

1. graduate from Training Wing
2. Grade 5 Theory end of this year (this is LOL because its really a joke)
3. gym twice a week
4. ATCL/LTCL next year (hence Sonata No.1 by L.Stein, Serenade by J.Strimer, etc)
5. NDP
6. braces (:
7. chem engineering
8. good private company
9. house
10. car
11. the usual, blah blah

things start to get hazy from point 7 onward because well, you dont plan ten years ahead do you? i tried once, things turned out very differently in the end.

but the first six points are definitely confirmed, should be taking ATCL or LTCL with brent and samuel. LTCL pieces are crazy.

and yeah finally decided. braces after NDP 2012. it has been too long.

2011-08-18T23:53:00.002+08:00

Day 17:
Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

this is a hard one. i would wanna switch lives with brad pitt because he gets the chicks.

HAHA no la seriously. i wna switch lives with a professional musician. so that i can live a day of the life that i will never get to pursue.

step by step. and by next year, you'll get it.

2011-08-17T20:15:00.002+08:00

Day 16:
Another picture of yourself

lol okay..

when there's still hair!

facial muscles so shag, im gna need botox soon

2011-08-16T21:10:00.002+08:00

Day 15:
Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play

1. Hero Heroine by Boys Like Girls
2. Crush Crush Crush by Paramore
3. Theme From Schindler's List by John Williams
4. 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover by Bamboo
5. With Heart And Voice by David Gillingham
6. Vulnerable by Secondhand Serenade
7. Horn Concerto No.1 by A. Mozart
8. Symphony No. 1 The Lord Of The Rings - Lothlorien by Johan de Meij
9. Carnival by Nobuya Sugawa
10. Pantomime by David Childs

surprisingly nice mix of genres. heh.

Sonata No.1 by Leon Stein is sick!

2011-08-15T19:40:00.002+08:00

Day 14:
A picture of you and your family

hmm..

i have no idea where was this taken. or when. haha all look so cui.

nothing much these days. no academics, no game, no girl LOL

2011-08-14T00:53:00.002+08:00

Day 13:
A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

eh..... quite hard ah

ok lets give it a shot!

hello there. i dont really remember who and/or what hurt me recently so i dont really know who or what i will be talking about. so you will be like, the general 'you'. so hi you.

'you' that had hurt me throughout my 19 years, thank you. for you had given me the opportunity to learn the lessons of life, and allowed me to take one step further into the mastery of my own emotions and shaped my thinking. you have allowed me to understand that that will always be someone/something that will hurt me even more than you have hurt me. also, like a cane which will hurt when whipped, thank you for teaching me the fact that the pain will subside over time, and time will definitely heal. the cliche "scars will remain" is just an excuse for not taking care of the wound properly. when taken care of, there are no scars. just a renewed and a more healthier, more wiser person. one that is able to control his/her emotions, and not make reckless decisions. through, i have made unwise choices, but my short journey on Earth here gave me limited experience. thus i am sure i will experience more painful incidents in the future, such that i will grow as a person. so, for those who enjoy hurting people, good job. for those who are getting hurt by people, be strong, and be mature. there will always be something more painful in the horizon, so take it as a learning journey. the most dangerous thing to do is to steep and wallow in self-pity and flirt with the seductive tentacles of depression and suicide. be mature because, there is nothing noble nor gallant about taking your own life.

"i've got a feeling, woohoo, that tonight's gna be a good night"

HAHA stupid song.

2011-08-13T13:45:00.002+08:00

Day 12:

How you found out about Blogger and why you made one

???? er..

sec 1 friends kept talking about "eh tag my blog leh" then being curious, went to blogger.com hahaha. first blog address was darkcryptsmex.blogspot.com LOL. darkcrypt because of something about the Da Vinci Code. tsm in darkcryptsmex are the initials of a girl i liked that time HAHA. those were the days.

nothing much these days. talked a lot of cock.

2011-08-12T19:59:00.004+08:00

Day 11:
Another picture of you and your friends

LOL ok.

hahahahahahaha. vj nssn people, without the legendary geraint ho.

bunch of bastards, yall.

2011-08-12T00:02:00.002+08:00

Day 10:
Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad

happy: Heads Up by Dave Weckl
sad: Like a Knife by Secondhand Serenade
bored: Blue Ridge Saga by James Swearingen
hyped: Extreme Makeover/ Symphony No.1 Lord of the Rings by Johan de Meij, Fantasy Variations on a theme of Paganini by James Barnes
mad: Symphony No.9 New World Symphony by Tchaikovsky

2011-08-10T19:39:00.001+08:00

Day 09:
Something you’re proud of in the past few days

getting up there already (:

2011-08-09T14:34:00.002+08:00

Day 08:

Short term goals for this month and why

1. theory, practical
2. reach grade 7 standard
3. gain more mass (lol)
4. be nicer to people LOL
5. better financial management
6. ace
7. grow more hair

happy national day!

2011-08-08T19:46:00.002+08:00

Day 07:
A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

quite a lot leh. all are equally significant..

ok la, the biggest impact, ever.

Without music, there is no higher purpose in life.

Musicality is a gift from above. It consists chiefly of a fine ear and quick conception. And these gifts may be cultivated and enhanced.

Good composers borrow, great composers steal.

Just treat it like music, and everything else will fall into place

Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything.

The most simple melodies are often the most beautiful.

Music crosses all boundaries, religious, racial, geographic, etc. It is truly the language of the world.

If music be the food of love, play on.

if music be the food of love, play on. play on my friends.

2011-08-07T15:28:00.002+08:00

Day 06:

Favorite super hero and why

man, tough choice. there's a million marvel characters out there and i dont really fancy DC. eh..

k la, lets go with superficial. Invisible Woman because she's hot :D

Black Widow has a close fight.

okay la, for real. Iceman. a Level 5 mutant, he has the ability to produce ice and cold because in physics terms, his true powers are to slow down molecules such that they stop moving, thus removing heat, hence the cold. thus he is able to produce solid hydrogen, solid helium, not just ice.. yeah

last one for the day. Shadowcat :D

2011-08-06T19:31:00.002+08:00

Day 05:
A picture of somewhere you've been to

Champions, National Junior Robotics Competition, 2003, Primary Division. 5D4N all-expenses paid trip to Florida.

definitely, one of the highlights of my 19 years of life.

2011-08-05T17:38:00.002+08:00

Day 04:
A habit that you wish you didn’t have

i have tons of bad habits, haha. ok the habit that i do not wish to have the most would probably be complacency. like, always be humble. dont get carried away with a little success.

damn shag. my lips just gave way just now, couldn't play at all.

2011-08-04T23:48:00.004+08:00

Day 03:
A picture of you and your friends

a picture..

0901 guys. some of my best friends.

friends with tact, at least.

2011-08-03T19:39:00.002+08:00

here comes day 2!

Day 02:
The meaning behind your blog name

chose this blog name way back in late sec 4. i still remember my blog skin then, where people have to type in the headers to navigate, an MSN-ish concept. that was at a time when blogs are still the rage. and facebook wasn't up there yet. hahaha.

scootin' on hard rock's a wind band piece, with jazz influenced scales and style. this was the first non holding note piece that i got to play on tenor, and thus, rather significant.

mid assessment with CPT Yusri was quite good, not outstanding though. maybe its just me. haha

2011-08-02T20:15:00.005+08:00

since i have so much free time i'll start this 30 day thing.

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your Blog name
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What attracts you to someone
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Your favorite song.

therefore, Day 01:
A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself

took this photo when i went out with loysinyi. haha not very proud to be caught in this shot..

1. left handed
2. straight. (lol)
3. tenorsax
4. dont like to reveal too much about myself, but as it is, i did and tada
5. BMT 02/11, Mohawk Coy, Platoon 1 Section 1 Bed 1
6. SAF Band, Batch 88
7. gave up on soccer because man utd suck ballz
8. NUS Chem Engineering
9. uses a lot of common sense and logic to navigate through life. too much at times maybe, because during those rare times i do not use them, life throw apples at me
10. suck at financial planning, but better than last time
11. malay-chinese
12. doesn't like it when i do something and its not okay but it seems to be fine with others
13. i know what i am doing.. most of the time
14. gays are okay, but not okay when they're coming my direction
15. perfect example of "aim the stars so that if you fall, you'll land in the clouds"

on top of point 9, i see a lot of people not using their head to think, then their behavior becomes screwed. use too much emotion, never think before acting, then dont know how to control themselves in front of people. low EQ. low self-awareness.

2011-08-02T18:48:00.002+08:00

no grades do not mean totally ignorant

2011-07-30T14:29:00.000+08:00

being in contact with gays everyday isn't funny

2011-07-30T01:53:00.002+08:00

probably a mistake to reveal too much about yourself

be on guard.

2011-07-30T01:15:00.002+08:00

tmcc, great music, old friends

met up with 01 guys and the girls. had a good time catching up!

2011-07-28T22:00:00.000+08:00

long term vision

2011-07-27T20:35:00.000+08:00

had a chat with jonathan foo and realised that there's still so much to learn.

2011-07-26T20:08:00.002+08:00

sji > preshigh
vjc > nyjc
med > chem eng

could have beens > have beens. hahaha. there's a pattern here..

2011-07-24T21:21:00.002+08:00

"I don't play the tuba. The tuba plays me. My tuba is not actually a tuba, because it has never produced a musical sound. It is actually a giant frog pretending to be a tuba." - David Klass, You Don't Know Me

very apt. just change the tuba to a saxophone and you get me. maybe not a frog. a monitor lizard, perhaps.

theorized that that are actually a certain set of scenarios that you would most definitely encounter in life, on top of the random instants that could make or break your day. these scenarios may repeat over the course of life, thus the saying "history repeats itself", just with different variables. this could also be the reason why there is this feeling that you can only say it in French. what is it again? ah. deja vu.

the scenarios would usually present itself as a problem, in which you have several options. you may think and brainstorm about possible ways to solve the problem, but the fact is you have already done that (as you have encountered the scenario before, just in a different setting), and the solutions, though may vary between people, would most likely be the same as before.

therefore you may find that as you get older, you accumulate experience as you encounter more and more scenarios. and when you encounter a repeated scenario again, you realize that hey, i've been in this shit before, i know what to do. or a friend encounters the same scenario, and he or she approaches you for help. and then you go, hey, i can give you solid advice as i've been in this shit before. this is thus called, wisdom.

of course, life isn't a rigid set of scenarios waiting to happen. there is also the random factor, where anything can happen in an instant.

then there is the chaos theory. a small action made by you may be passed on until it becomes a very huge thing.

a very simple example. you see a boy cross the road, and a car is about to hit him. you rush to grab him, and you save his life. his family and him thank you profusely. 20 years later, he becomes the doctor that saves your life from cancer. if you have not saved his life then, you would most probably have lost the battle with cancer.

of course, just a very simplified example. chaos theory is much more deeper than that. part of life i guess.

and thus, how do you deal with life. do not think with your emotions. think with your head, and let your heart judge whether its right or wrong. its like a balance check thing. if your head tells you stealing is the only way to get that Gucci, your heart will tell you its obviously wrong. head first, then heart. but heart does not equate to emotions. emotions stem from the result of the option that you have taken.

always, always, always, think before you act. think properly before action. do not let emotions cloud your head. most importantly, do not let emotions overtake you, before you do something that you will regret the rest of your life.

like i did.

2011-07-23T21:57:00.001+08:00

singapore island country club, beer, good music, friends

2011-07-22T21:14:00.001+08:00

full of crap and good music

2011-07-20T20:02:00.001+08:00

im gonna have the thickest richest most musical sound ever produced on a tenor saxophone

2011-07-17T22:41:00.000+08:00

Tale as old as time
True as it can be
Barely even friends
Then somebody bends
Unexpectedly

2011-07-16T23:44:00.002+08:00

the fact that i actually came here three times a day meant that im extremely bored and with nothing to do. haha, yeah i am.

break ups are never easy. so, how do you handle one?

sometimes i wonder if i should have gone OCS. nine months of isolation from the outside world doesn't seem so bad, now that i have so much free time.

2011-07-16T22:14:00.002+08:00

was packing up my extremely messy room (due to ns) and as usual, dug up some artifacts from the past.

found the diary. pink in colour. i forgot its existence. read what she used to say, read what i used to say. the discrepancy in maturity was amazing. i was so naive and retarded and stupid. she was so mature. the diary ended with a plea. i wonder what would happen if a different choice was made then.

which brings us to the not-so-distant-past.

life is full of what-ifs. what if i did this? what if you did that? what if. we shouldn't wallow in self pity, but look forward, ahead to the immediate future that has been planned out by your current choices. although it is inevitable that memories occasionally surface.

anyway, learned a lot from Training Wing. My fellow trainee saxophonists taught me so much more about concept, knowledge and mastery of the instrument. after two years of playing with mostly crap saxophonists (there are good ones, just those few), finally met players that i respect.

shows that good players from '92 batch aren't extinct.

performance tomorrow.

2011-07-16T18:13:00.001+08:00

legend - wait for it - dary

2011-07-14T20:33:00.000+08:00

A small lie to mask the painful truth. - Theodore Roosevelt

2011-07-13T21:13:00.002+08:00

how much sweat and blood came with that

2011-07-11T20:11:00.002+08:00

at least there's ambition

2011-07-10T22:36:00.001+08:00

just one night

2011-07-10T01:37:00.000+08:00

she also not yours already, control, control

2011-07-09T00:44:00.000+08:00

control, control

2011-07-08T10:26:00.001+08:00

so apparently yesterday's ranting post isn't really necessary
saf band here i come

2011-07-07T22:44:00.002+08:00

for a couple of years now i haven't been getting what i've worked so hard for
so what if i mugged like mad for o's? i ended up getting 11 points, worse, nyjc
so what if i mugged like mad for a's? what's the point of getting five distinctions when you can't get into medicine?
so what if i practiced hard all my life? the chances of going saf band are getting slimmer and the term "rifleman" seems to be the term that will figure prominently in my army life
so what, if you have a seemingly perfect girl when her parents are screwed up, or a perfect partner with musical connections when fate just doesn't allow it, or a perfect lover who's willing to sacrifice everything for you when personalities just doesn't fit?

i am fucking sian of my fucking life and i've tolerated it for quite some time. i am never a person to blow up easily. but i am fucking blowing up now.

what the fuck is going on. what do You want, God, from me. what the hell. i wasn't doing evil deeds, nor was i preaching Haram. i did everything to the best of my ability, i humbled myself before You, i placed family above all others, i studied hard, i went prayers, i made the effort to learn prayers, i asked for forgiveness, not just from You but from all others that i have offended or harmed, i did everything i could. and yet life is throwing a sucker punch back at me, in my fucking face.

people know me as a resilient person. what people don't know about resilience that it comes with mental strength. that mental strength in me is breaking.

i don't need anymore sucker punches.

in the case of my posting it hasn't been confirmed until 10am tomorrow but from the signs, its not looking very good. i am not expecting, but hoping. that all these are a joke.

i rarely use this certain acronym because i think it's overused. but seriously. FML.

2011-07-05T23:28:00.001+08:00

again, break ups are never easy

2011-07-04T21:44:00.000+08:00

turn to music

2011-07-03T22:58:00.001+08:00

after 24km route march, nothing is impossible

2011-06-29T22:14:00.001+08:00

I have often dreamed
Of a far-off place
Where a hero's welcome
Will be waiting for me
Where the crowds will cheer
When they see my face
And a voice keeps saying
This is where I'm meant to be

I'll be there someday
I can go the distance
I will find my way
If I can be strong
I know ev'ry mile
Will be worth my while

When I go the distance
I'll be right where I belong

Down an unknown road
To embrace my fate
Though that road may wander
It will lead me to you
And a thousand years
Would be worth the wait
It might take a lifetime
But somehow I'll see it through

And I won't look back
I can go the distance
And I'll stay on track
No, I won't accept defeat
It's an uphill slope
But I won't lose hope
Till I go the distance
And my journey is complete

Like a shooting star
I will go the distance
I will search the world
I will face its heart
I dont care how far
I can go the distance
Till I find my heros welcome
Waiting In your arms

I will search the world
I will face its harms
Till I find my hero's welcome

- Disney's Hercules

2011-06-26T15:15:00.000+08:00

you're right, you deserve better

2011-06-22T14:53:00.000+08:00

im gonna be, the very best, that no one ever was

2011-06-19T01:07:00.000+08:00

she was more like a beauty queen from a movie scene

2011-06-16T23:54:00.000+08:00

nananana, nananana, hey eh eh, good bye

2011-06-08T22:10:00.001+08:00

okay la, move on with life, suck thumb and die

2011-06-06T22:33:00.002+08:00

left you for a reason.

correct that. multiple reasons.

no point discussing them anyway. i wasn't good enough for you. in the sense that, i am too flawed, too imperfect for you.

it wasn't fair for you. i was an asshole. wrong, i am an asshole. no one may be expecting impeccable character, but mine is too flawed, too many wrongs, too little rights.

and i hate the fact that i can't change. i tried, i failed. i am the way i am. people don't change willingly in two years. in my arrogance and confidence i failed to recognize this fact that i can't change.

im still arrogant. still overconfident. still imperfect.

but i will move on. yes i got what i wanted. but it isn't easy.

breakups are never easy.

2011-06-03T23:23:00.002+08:00

im barely holding on.

2011-05-16T23:29:00.001+08:00

you are the most significant person that appeared in my life.

not her. yes you.

2011-04-11T20:51:00.002+08:00

so cherine teh got shortlisted for law and i got shortlisted for med which is my second choice.

isn't med supposed to be more difficult than law?!

2011-04-03T14:04:00.000+08:00

It is inevitable that you look back in regret.

2011-03-23T03:22:00.000+08:00

so soul-mates do exist huh?

2011-03-17T23:32:00.002+08:00

applied for uni.

i remember a time when i was so hopeless that i didn't even consider the two most prestigious career path there were. i didn't consider them partly because i was determined not to be so typical in life, to try and enter the two most over-hyped courses.

then came L and together with all the aspirations of probably the most difficult course to enter. studied hard just to prove a point. being young and arrogant i boasted how i would definitely enter medicine.

G came along and suddenly, there isn't any worries in life. screw medicine. life was free of pressure and there was only simple joy and delights.

but it also brought shit into existence. so shit happens, and i learnt a painful lesson.

and also came crashing down to earth with olevel results.

teaches one not to aim unrealistically high and more importantly, not to be overconfident.

as jc life starts and progresses, one starts to think about options in life. but for me, i took it as i go along. i was deflated and had run out of steam. no more motivation.

until you came along.

you cheered me up, filled me up with steam. you have the uncanny ability to laugh at the smallest things, and be upset over the tiniest of matters. with you i also realized that not everything in life will go as planned, and when they don't, it could be a blessing.

throughout this while, an option in law became more and more attractive. for some reason the ability to argue and the command in english seemed to point that way.

4th March came along and poof! it became koko krunch!

haha sorry, just had the urge to do that.

4th March came along and suddenly both courses seemed viable. a far cry as compared to 6 years back when a wide eyed kid was crossing the road near Yio Chu Kang MRT station.

so i made my decision.

funny isn't it, how life works?

2011-03-04T23:34:00.003+08:00

so i do have a cynical view at times.

but i take a neutral view whenever i encounter something new. only when i see sufficient grounds and evidence to condemn something, then i will. or vice versa.

thats why whenever i say something is lets say, overrated. most of time it actually is. because there is sufficient grounds for me to say that.

a culture will remain a culture. you cannot change a culture. when you have an American culture, Americans will display that sort of behavior that makes them American. if a company, lets say SembCorps, has a culture, chances are that the employees display certain characteristics that personify that culture.

its because they spend time living and breathing that culture.

so when a band has a culture, most bandsmen from that band will display those characteristics that make up that culture.

so all you people are the same to me really.

like i live and breathe my school's culture. you can tell who's from my school and not. we all have our own idiosyncrasies that make us who we are. four years' a long time.

of course there are the exceptions. these people are a total departure from the typical. these are the ones that i admire, because they kept true to their own values and philosophies then getting swayed by the majority.

especially when the majority are screwed.

anyway i don't know why am i typing a rather angsty post instead of a happy one. because today's a happy day.

a Royal Flush. (:

thank God.

2011-02-08T21:52:00.002+08:00

im not really into mainstream. nor do i like over-hyping, over-rating, and over-playing.

case(s) in point: everyone likes Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, and all the rubbish songs you hear in radio. i don't. i've never heard of such crap before, and will never.

i used to like The Hush Sound when they were indie. but their second album turned mainstream and i disliked it.

Glee is just over-hyped, full stop.

i've played under a few conductors, and some of them loved over-rating their students. for reasons only known to them, they like to sing praises of them, boost their ego, create an image of a prodigious talent when they are as average as everyone else.

playing any song, regardless wind orchestra or pop, once is fine. twice is fine. twenty times in a row isn't. over-playing.

Seventh Night of July and Third Symphony used to be so over-played (by bands) that i was getting really sick of them.

haha this is a bland post i know. but a post nonetheless.

2011-02-04T21:44:00.007+08:00

so the harvest from this year's cny is at *drumroll* 80 bucks! which is almost thrice the amount i get for the whole month of hari raya. i am going to deposit this into my bank and not touch it (ya right).

i am going to have 3 more concerts in the next 3 months. i've given up selling tickets for concerts already.. no one wants to support me. ):

at times, the foolish secondary school incident still resurfaces from my memory. and i still regret it terribly. im so sorry. if only you could read this. it's so hard to forget you. help me.

2011-02-03T21:55:00.002+08:00

several skills are important in a self-centered, facade-based society.

first is awareness. there are several types of awareness in which one must master all. there is self-awareness, the ability to know how you behave, the little body movements, facial expressions, in front of people. then there is the peripheral-awareness. the ability to know your surroundings well. what people are doing, how they are responding to certain situations without you actually staring at them. there is also the situational-awareness, the ability to know what is actually going on without anyone even telling you. and so it'd appear that you seem to know every thing that is going on.

second would be navigation. not in the literal sense. the ability to navigate your way through all sorts of people. the ability to control what you are going to say instead of babbling gibberish. the ability to avoid any sort of potential conflicts that you may incur. the ability to arrive at the ideal scenario which you envisioned.

third, is really just common sense.

"Common sense in an uncommon degree is what the world calls wisdom", so says Samuel Coleridge.

most spoilt youths of today will probably react to this with the line "i don't want to be fake, i want to be WHO I AM". but this isn't about being fake. this is knowing how to live your life properly in society with minimum fuss. "Do not wash your dirty linen in public", so says the Chinese. if you want to be "WHO I AM", then you'd be showing all your true colors to everyone. and chances are people wouldn't really fancy you. because if you have this mindset in the first place, your attitude and character wouldn't really be pleasing to everyone.

collectively, such skills are called "street-smartness". some people have an extremely high level of street-smartness, and coupled with high EQ, it makes them extremely popular, and their success in life seems to come so easily. then there are those, whom i had the unfortunate honor to know some of them, who have zero street-smartness. and such people usually has zero EQ. okay maybe not zero, probably like, 1 or 2 arbitrary units. hahaha.

to be frank, i cannot tolerate such people. because these "street-smartness-less" people also do not have common sense. how can common sense be so hard to come by? thats just saying what most youths are turning out to be today.

they don't care a shit about the world they live in, just themselves and their tiny bubble.

i'm blogging this because i really don't know what to blog about and someone keeps pestering me to blog. ahahaha. so here you go!

okay till next time. happy chinese new year everyone! (i doubt there's anyone though)

2011-01-28T10:26:00.002+08:00

life's been good so far.

working in the Call Centre of a hotel has really given me exposure to how the hotel industry works (rather than banquet staff, lol), but it's also really tiring. 10 hours everyday, 6 days week, i hardly catch a break. furthermore there's band at night and on my off day (sunday), it made me realize how hard it is to balance work and band (sounds similar to school and band).

but really, i can't wait for the contract to end. i need to slack for like 2 months before army hahahaha.

i don't really know what to say here leh. hahah until next time.

2011-01-10T22:58:00.001+08:00

the orchestral brass sound.. ahh. the magic of john williams.

2010-12-28T23:17:00.003+08:00

2011 is coming, time for the annual end of year reflection hahaha.

don't really know where to start.. okay. 2010 is like the A'level year. which is obviously important. started the year with a new class 0901, and i must say it is an awesome class with awesome people. new friends and a new life altogether. shortly afterwards was J1 orientation, again met some interesting and new friends, both J1 and OGLs hahaah. throughout the year my circle of friends grew, and i must really say thank you for all of you whom have impacted my life one way or another. you guys know who you are. thank you.

academic-wise it isn't like great. single digit rank points for midyears is just awesome. ;) heh. had to drag myself from slacking and to mugging mode, which i did successfully (doubtful, but ya). it wasnt fun. it was 10 times worse than O'level. partly because i wasn't listening 3/4 of the time lah. the day finally came, then a week, then a month, A'levels are over. hasn't exactly sunk in yet, even with a job now. maybe it will when results are released..

music wise, haha. joining cnlwe was an extremely wise decision. i've learnt to be more sensitive, more musical, strengthened my theoretical background, improved techniques, and most importantly, gained experience. all credit is due to Mr. Tan BW and all the musicians and friends in cnlwe that made it possible. again, thank you.

learnt to be less reckless, but also less cautious. less arrogance of course, a continuous struggle (hahaha). 2010 has been a fruitful year, maybe it wasn't an excellent year like 07 was, but nevertheless, fruitful. hopefully 2011 would be even better. a year of steep learning curves of course, army training!

haha, for now, work (money) is important if i were to achieve my goals. practice schedule is up, after sws tomorrow, training starts. i don't have the talent so just practice lor..

i am moulded to the person i am, thanks to all the people whom i have spoken to, people whom i shared experiences with, and people whom i have played music with. to all of you, my friends, a sincere thank you, and i hope that i have been an impact, no matter how tiny, on your life too. (:

Happy New Year everyone.

2010-12-25T01:19:00.000+08:00

if you're happy, just go.

2010-12-23T23:44:00.000+08:00

so inconsistent.

2010-12-22T23:45:00.000+08:00

im sorry but i just can't trust now.

2010-12-18T00:37:00.001+08:00

heave ho, thieves and beggars, hoist the colours high

sws meeting on sunday, cnl performance tomorrow. can't wait!